What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 00:23
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Especially a lifetime of it.
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I was 9 years of age.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Would this be the day?
Do you share your food easily? With whom, and why?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
How can I watch porn on TikTok?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I don,t even have a pension.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was scared of men, in general
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Comes on , in middle age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot live in the past .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was very sick at this time too.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was in good health!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I couldn’t, believe it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im still living with it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She wouldn,t have been !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But, we were locked up after school.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So whats the point in blame.
Ive learnt so much.
She married twice! .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She found it foreign!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We all went to grammer schools
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I think the readers, may guess!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My family never makes their pension either.
I waited trembling.
Put me off passion for life!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
All the time i was locked up.
She loved him until the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were not on the streets..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He knew the spot.
When she asked me how she looked .
I said to her
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
This is soul school!.
And i lived it daily.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Who then, do I blame.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I have no regrets .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it wasn’t much.
I will be 64.
What did i know ?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .